When Marriage Feels Like Work (And Why That’s a Good Thing)


There comes a moment in every marriage when the butterflies settle…
the wedding photos fade into frames…
the vows become daily life…

And you look at each other and think:

“Why does this feel so hard?”

No one puts that in the wedding cards.

We celebrate romance.
We celebrate passion.
We celebrate the honeymoon.

But we rarely celebrate effort.

Yet effort is where love becomes real.

Love Was Never Meant to Be Effortless

The world tells us that if it’s “meant to be,” it will feel easy.
Scripture tells us something very different.

“Let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth.”
— 1 John 3:18

Love is action.

Action requires effort.

Effort requires intention.

And intention requires maturity.

When we wrote about “Love Is an Action” in Series 1, we acknowledged something many couples avoid: feelings fluctuate. But covenant does not.

Even the apostle Paul describes love not as a feeling but as discipline:

“Love is patient, love is kind… it always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.”
— 1 Corinthians 13:4–7

Perseveres.

That word alone tells us love isn’t passive. It’s steady work.

Marriage Is Covenant, Not Convenience

In one of his sermons on marriage, John Piper reminds couples that marriage is not primarily about personal happiness but about displaying the covenant love of Christ.

He references:

“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”
— Ephesians 5:25

Christ’s love was sacrificial.
Intentional.
Costly.

That doesn’t sound like ease.

It sounds like work.

But holy work.

Tim Keller, in his book The Meaning of Marriage, wrote that marriage is not so much about finding the right person as it is about becoming the right person. He describes marriage as a “sanctifying” relationship — one that exposes our selfishness and forces growth.

And that’s where most couples struggle.

Because growth is uncomfortable.

Real Life Isn’t a Highlight Reel

You and I both know this personally.

Married at 18 and 20.
The Marines.
Financial stress.
Counseling.
Moments where divorce felt closer than hope.
Cancer.
Long nights.
Hard conversations.

There were seasons when marriage didn’t feel romantic.

It felt like survival.

But what if those seasons weren’t signs of failure…
What if they were signs of formation?

When your spouse annoys you.
When communication breaks down.
When you’re tired of repeating the same discussion.
When intimacy feels awkward.
When stress from work or parenting spills into your home.

That is not the end of love.

That is the workshop of love.

Work Means You Value It

Think about anything valuable in your life.

Your home requires maintenance.
Your body requires discipline.
Your faith requires devotion.

Why would marriage be different?

In fact, the effort proves its worth.

Jesus said:

“Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
— Matthew 19:6

If God joined it, it is sacred.

And sacred things are worth working for.

When It Feels Heavy

Sometimes the “work” feels exhausting.

That’s when we must remember:

Work is not punishment.
It is participation.

We are participating in something God designed.

And sometimes the work looks like:

  • Apologizing first.

  • Listening instead of defending.

  • Choosing gentleness when irritated.

  • Scheduling time to talk when you don’t feel like it.

  • Praying together even when it feels awkward.

  • Staying when quitting feels easier.

These are not small things.

They are holy things.

Why It’s a Good Thing

If marriage were effortless, we would never grow.

We would never learn patience.
We would never confront pride.
We would never understand grace.
We would never experience redemption inside our own home.

Marriage that feels like work is often marriage that is alive.

The danger is not effort.

The danger is apathy.

As long as two people are still trying…
Still talking…
Still praying…
Still showing up…

There is hope.

Reflection for Couples

  • What part of our marriage currently feels like “work”?

  • Are we viewing effort as failure or as growth?

  • What is one small act of intentional love we can practice this week?

A Prayer for When Marriage Feels Heavy

Father God,

We come to You not as perfect spouses,
but as two imperfect people trying to love well.

There are days when marriage feels light and joyful.
And there are days when it feels like work.

Teach us not to resent the work.
Teach us to see it as refinement.

Soften our words.
Slow our tempers.
Strengthen our patience.
Renew our commitment.

Help us to love not only when it is easy,
but especially when it requires sacrifice.

Remind us that You joined us together.
Remind us that You are present in our home.
Remind us that growth is not failure — it is grace in motion.

Draw us closer to You,
and as we move toward You,
draw us closer to each other.

In Jesus’ name,

Amen.

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