Putting God First: What It Actually Looks Like in Marriage

 

“But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you.” Matthew 6:33

There are some phrases we hear so often in Christian circles that we almost stop hearing them - “Put God first” is one of those phrases.

It is true. It is biblical. It is needed. But if we are not careful, it can become one of those statements we agree with in church, repeat in conversation, and still struggle to live out in the everyday places of marriage.

Most Christian couples would probably say they want God first in their home. They want a marriage that honors Him. They want their children to grow up seeing faith lived out. They want prayer, Scripture, love, forgiveness, and commitment to be part of their marriage.

But then real life happens:

The bills still have to be paid. The kids still need attention. Work still drains energy. The house still needs to be kept up. Feelings still get hurt. Words still come out wrong. Pride still shows up. Disappointments still happen. And in the middle of all of that, “putting God first” becomes more than a nice Christian idea.

It becomes a daily decision.

Putting God first in marriage is not only about what we say we believe. It is about who gets the final authority in our home, in our choices, in our attitudes, in our words, and in the way we treat one another when life is not going the way we hoped it would.

It is easy to say God is first when everything is calm. It is harder to prove it when we are tired, frustrated, offended, or disappointed.

That is where marriage has a way of revealing what is really leading us.

God First Means He Is the Foundation, Not an Addition

One of the dangers in Christian marriage is that we can treat God like an addition to the marriage instead of the foundation of it.

We may go to church. We may pray before meals. We may have Bibles in the house. We may know the right verses. But if God is only added onto the life we already wanted to build, then He is not truly first.

A foundation is not decoration. It is not something placed on the house after everything else is finished. The foundation is what everything else rests on.

Jesus gave us that picture in Matthew 7 when He spoke about the wise man who built his house upon a rock. The rain came, the floods came, and the winds blew against that house, but it did not fall because it was founded upon a rock. The foolish man also built a house, and the same storm came against it, but it fell because it was built upon sand.

That matters in marriage because the storm comes to both homes.

The couple who loves God will still face pressure. The couple who attends church will still have hard conversations. The couple who prays will still face sickness, grief, money concerns, parenting struggles, misunderstandings, aging, stress, and seasons where love feels more like obedience than emotion.

Putting God first does not mean the storm never touches your marriage. It means your marriage is not built on sand when the storm comes.

In Remembering The Little Things, I wrote about how God has to be the foundation that everything else is laid upon. That truth still matters. Before we can talk about all the little things that help strengthen a marriage, we have to make sure we have not ignored the biggest thing.

A marriage cannot be held together only by attraction, personality, money, children, routine, shared memories, or even good intentions. Those things may be blessings, but they are not strong enough to be the foundation.

Christ is.

First Corinthians 3:11 says, “For other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus Christ.”

When God is first, He is not invited into the marriage only when there is a problem. He is not treated like an emergency number we call after we have exhausted every other option. He is the One we build on before the storm, during the storm, and after the storm.

God First Means My Heart Must Come Under His Authority

Here is where this gets personal.

Putting God first does not begin with getting my spouse to act better. It begins with bringing my own heart under the authority of God.

That is hard because most of us can see our spouse’s faults faster than our own. We can explain what they said wrong, what they did not do, where they were insensitive, how they misunderstood us, and why they need to change. And sometimes, there may be truth in what we see.

But putting God first means I do not get to use my spouse’s weakness as an excuse to ignore my own obedience.

Psalm 139:23-24 says, “Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me.”

That is not an easy prayer to pray in marriage.

It is much easier to pray, “Lord, change my spouse.” It is much harder to pray, “Lord, show me where I am proud. Show me where I am selfish. Show me where my words have been careless. Show me where I have been cold. Show me where I have been more concerned with being right than being Christlike.”

But a God-first marriage needs that kind of humility. If God is first, my anger does not get to be first. My pride does not get to be first. My hurt feelings do not get to be first. My desire to win the argument does not get to be first. My need to be understood does not get to be first.

God does.

That does not mean real hurt should be ignored. It does not mean sin should be excused. It does not mean one spouse should be allowed to mistreat the other while hiding behind spiritual language. But it does mean each husband and wife must stand before God honestly.

A husband putting God first cannot simply ask, “Is my wife respecting me?” He must also ask, “Am I loving her as Christ loved the church?”

A wife putting God first cannot simply ask, “Is my husband leading the way I think he should?” She must also ask, “Am I honoring the Lord in the way I respond, speak, support, and carry myself in this marriage?”

Ephesians 5 is often quoted in marriage conversations, and rightly so. But it should never be used as a weapon. It should be received as instruction. Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for it. Wives are called to honor the Lord in their role within the marriage. Both are called to live under Christ.

That means my first responsibility is not to use Scripture to correct my spouse, my first responsibility is to let Scripture correct me.

God First Does Not Mean Your Spouse Gets Less

Sometimes people misunderstand the order of love in a Christian home:

God first. Spouse second. Children next. Everything else after that.

That order does not lessen the love we have for our spouse or our children. It actually teaches us how to love them rightly.

When God is truly first, my wife does not receive less love from me. She should receive better love from me. She should receive a love that is being shaped by Christ instead of ruled by my mood, my selfishness, my exhaustion, or my expectations.

The same is true for a wife toward her husband. When God is first, her husband should not receive leftover affection, constant criticism, or emotional distance dressed up as spirituality. He should receive the fruit of a heart that is walking with the Lord.

Putting God first does not make marriage colder. It should make it warmer, safer, steadier, and more faithful.

This is where Christian teaching on marriage has often pointed us back to the same truth. Marriage is not merely about personal happiness. It is covenant. It is holiness. It is friendship. It is learning to love another person with the grace we ourselves have received from God.

That is a humbling thought. It means the way I love my wife matters. The way I forgive matters. The way I speak matters. The way I handle conflict matters. The way we stay faithful in hard seasons matters.

Not because people need to think we are perfect, they do not.

But because Christian marriage should point beyond the husband and wife to the God who holds them together.

God First Keeps the Home in Order

This is a hard one for many good parents.

Children are a blessing. They need our love, time, attention, correction, patience, teaching, and care. A Christian home should take parenting seriously.

But children were never meant to become the center of the marriage.

In Remembering The Little Things, I wrote about the importance of keeping relationships in perspective: first our relationship with God, then our relationship with our spouse, then our relationship with our children. That does not mean children are neglected. It means they are raised inside a home where God’s order is honored.

One of the best gifts children can receive is not a home where Mom and Dad revolve everything around them. It is a home where they see Mom and Dad love God and love each other well.

Children need to see their parents pray. They need to see forgiveness. They need to see affection. They need to see repentance. They need to see laughter. They need to see that marriage is not just something adults endure, but something sacred that God strengthens over time.

A child who watches his parents honor each other is learning about marriage before anyone ever sits him down for a formal lesson.

This becomes especially important because the season of raising children does not last forever. One day the house gets quieter. The bedrooms empty. The schedule changes. The children begin building their own lives.

And when that day comes, a husband and wife need to still know each other.

If the marriage has been ignored for twenty years because everything centered on the children, the empty nest season can reveal a painful truth: the husband and wife became strangers while being excellent schedule managers.

Putting God first helps keep the home in order.

God is not honored when spouses neglect each other in the name of being good parents. He is honored when children grow up seeing a marriage that is being nurtured, protected, and lived out in front of them with grace.

God First Shows Up in the Ordinary Places

Putting God first sounds big, but most of the time it shows up in ordinary choices:

• It shows up in the tone we use when we are tired.
• It shows up in whether we apologize when we are wrong.
• It shows up in whether we pray together, even if it feels awkward at first.
• It shows up in whether we protect time for each other.
• It shows up in whether we choose honesty over hiding.
• It shows up in whether we guard our eyes, our phones, our conversations, and our hearts.
• It shows up in whether we forgive instead of keeping a private list of wrongs.

A God-first marriage is not proven only by what happens on Sunday. It is proven by what happens in the kitchen, in the car, in the bedroom, in the budget, in the argument, in the apology, and in the quiet moments when no one else sees.

First Corinthians 13 tells us that charity suffers long and is kind. It does not seek its own. It is not easily provoked. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things.

That kind of love is not natural to our flesh, that kind of love requires God.

This is why putting God first cannot be reduced to religious activity. We can be busy in church and still be selfish at home. We can know doctrine and still be harsh with our spouse. We can serve in public and still be careless in private.

God first means the faith we profess publicly must be practiced privately, especially with the person we promised to love.

God First Means Repentance Stays Close

One of the clearest signs of a God-first marriage is not perfection - it is repentance.

Every marriage has moments where words are spoken wrong, attitudes drift, assumptions grow, and selfishness shows up. The question is not whether a husband and wife will ever fail each other. They will. The question is whether they will keep coming back to God and to each other with humility.

A marriage without repentance gets hard quickly.

Pride keeps score. Pride rewrites the story. Pride explains everything away. Pride says, “I would apologize, but they were wrong too.” Pride says, “I should not have to be the first one.”

But God gives grace to the humble.

A God-first marriage learns to say things like, “I was wrong,” “I should not have said that,” “I let my pride lead me,” “I need to ask your forgiveness,” and “Can we pray about this?”

Those statements may not sound dramatic, but they can be powerful in a home.

Colossians 3:13 tells us to forgive one another, “even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.” That verse is easy to admire and hard to live. But marriage gives us regular opportunities to practice it.

Forgiveness does not mean pretending nothing happened. It does not mean trust is instantly repaired. It does not mean hard conversations are avoided. But it does mean bitterness does not get to become the foundation of the home.

And bitterness will try.

It will try to grow quietly. It will try to sound reasonable. It will try to convince us that distance is wisdom and coldness is protection. But Hebrews 12 warns about a root of bitterness springing up and troubling us.

A God-first marriage keeps bringing bitterness into the light before it grows roots too deep.

Living This Out

Putting God first in marriage does not have to begin with a dramatic announcement. It can begin with one honest conversation.

A husband and wife may need to sit together and ask, “Where have we moved God out of first place?”

Maybe He has been moved out of the schedule. Maybe He has been moved out of the finances. Maybe He has been moved out of the parenting. Maybe He has been moved out of the conflict. Maybe He has been moved out of the way we speak to each other. Maybe He has been moved out of the private places of the heart.

That question is not meant to condemn. It is meant to invite us back.

For some couples, putting God first may look like praying together again. For others, it may mean returning to church faithfully. For some, it may mean opening Scripture together. For others, it may mean getting counsel, confessing bitterness, making time for each other, or restoring an order in the home that slowly drifted.

It may mean a husband begins asking, “How can I love my wife today in a way that reflects Christ?”

It may mean a wife begins asking, “How can I honor the Lord in the way I love, speak to, and support my husband today?”

It may mean both begin asking, “What kind of marriage are our children watching?”

These are not small questions. But they are good ones.

Putting God first is not just something we say when marriage feels spiritual. It is something we practice when marriage feels ordinary, tired, strained, or busy.

And over time, those choices matter.

A Final Thought

A marriage with God first is not a perfect marriage.

It is a submitted marriage.

It is a marriage where husband and wife keep returning to the foundation. It is a marriage where Scripture is not only known, but obeyed. It is a marriage where prayer is not only discussed, but practiced. It is a marriage where pride is challenged, forgiveness is chosen, and love is lived out in real ways - 

• If your marriage has drifted, come back to the foundation.
• If prayer has been quiet, start again.
• If Scripture has been neglected, open it again.
• If bitterness has been growing, confess it.
• If your spouse has been getting leftovers, reorder the home.
• If the children have become the center, lovingly put the marriage back under God’s design.
• God first does not mean your spouse becomes less important.
• It means your spouse is loved from a better source.

Because when God is first, love is no longer limited to what we can produce on our own. It begins to flow from the One who loved us first, forgave us fully, and teaches us how to love each other well.

That is how a marriage stands, not because the storm never comes but because the foundation holds.

Prayer

Lord,

Help us to put You first in our marriage, not only in what we say, but in how we live. Search our hearts and show us where pride, selfishness, bitterness, busyness, or misplaced priorities have moved You out of Your rightful place.

Teach us to build our marriage on Christ as the foundation. Help us love each other with humility, patience, forgiveness, and grace. Keep our home in the right order, with You first, our marriage protected, our children loved, and everything else in its proper place.

Give us the wisdom to see where we have drifted and the courage to come back. Strengthen our marriage so that it honors You and teaches those watching that Your way is good.

Amen.